Are You In Love with Him or the IDEA of Him?


A little message from Mastin Kipp’s The Daily Love breezed through my inbox last week: “Are you in love with the IDEA of your ex?” It sparked this post because I find that this happens A LOT with new dates and soul-shattering loves.

See, idealizing my ex has never been my problem. No, no. When I cut loose, it’s because I can’t STOP thinking about all the relationship’s BS.

However, these delusions of grandeur can most certainly come into play at the beginning of a budding romance. You know, when you’ve just met an exciting new prospect and the anticipation is building and the sexual tension is mounting and you just can’t wait to see where this goes and he’s perfect and he’s everything and you can’t believe you’ve finally found some who has all the qualities you want and you share so many interests and he just gets you.

Have you idealized your love, your partner or your crush? If you’re in crush-phase or have recently met a match online, this can happen very easily, since so much of our interaction these days happens in a virtual forum. I don’t know about you, but some solid gchat game gets me hot ‘n bothered. Witty banter, flirty verbal volleys—even the occasional well-placed emoticon can make my heart go aflutter.

But this doesn’t necessarily translate in real life. There’s something to be said for chemistry, and you can’t ascertain that from a thumbs up emoji.

It doesn’t just have to be a new thang in the works. This can happen in long-distance romances or, sadly, when the honeymoon phase is over and your beau starts to reveal his true self and you long for the days when he was on his best behavior.

Here’s another example: The Rekindled Romance. Goes a little something like this… This guy had been hovering since college, popping in and out of my life for years. I mean, dude had a serious case of Jungle Fever for me, ya know what I’m saying? I wasn’t really that into him when we first casually dated years ago, and had no delusions that some magical spark would ignite out of nowhere, five years later. We were great friends, sure, but there were plenty of strikes against him.

But I entertained him, because wtf else was I doing? FYI, here are some thoughts that you should NEVER entertain: “Maybe I should give him a chance… After all, he still loved me…”

Well, let me tell you, a few moments with him and it became abundantly clear that 1) he had NO idea of nor interest in who I had become over the years and 2) he was 100% enamored with the most superficial qualities I possessed and didn’t want to delve into any of my deeper layers. He wasn’t in love with me—he was in love with the IDEA of me and what I represented, with what it would mean for him to be with someone like me.

That is a hard cloud to fall from. So take those rose-colored glasses off and see your man—or potential man—for exactly who he is, and not the fake fantasy you've concocted. After all, you’d want him to do the same for you.




RelationshipsJulia1 Comment