How To Not Freak Out in Your First Real Relationship After Heartbreak
The thing about heartbreak is, that despite all the crafty emotional contraptions you construct to cushion against the blow and the heaps of head games you play with yourself and the object of your affection, it’s inevitable. Heartbreak, like a bad hair day, will happen to you. Getting through the achy breakys is an art form that deserves its own post. And we’ll get to that. But now I’m focused on what happens in the following round of relationship roulette, when you’ve beat the blues and can reap the benefits of all that helpful hurt you endured.
You’ve done the work. You exited that last “labor of love” gracefully, learned some lessons from it, healed your heart and got to know yourself better. Proud of ya. And now you’ve gone and lassoed yourself a fine fella. Everything’s new and exciting and you guys are inseparable and things are going really well and OMGyou’refreakingoutbecauseyoudon’twannamessthisup. Alright there, Speed Racer, calm yourself.
We know, this one’s special. He’s not just a rebound—you’ve been through at least three of those already. He’s the real deal. So now what?
Don’t let the pain of the last “failure” seep in and the fear of future failure creep up. (I loosely refer to your kiboshed relationship as a “failure” because you didn’t fail, duh, it just clearly wasn’t meant to be. Plus, how much fun was all that self-reflection and growth?) You do that and you run the risk of ruining that first real shot at romantic bliss.
Don’t punish your gent for the mishaps and misdeeds of your past partners. That will put you on the fast track to surly singledom. Also, it’s just simply not fair to him, and is a clear indication that you still have some work to do in the area of the self.
Be aware of your motivations. Are you picking fights to push him away? Are you snooping because you hope to find an excuse to end it and avoid more heartbreak? Are you TRYING to find something wrong with him? D, all of the above? Your boyfriend will make a beeline for a break-up.
Be open with your new beau and (calmly and soberly) acknowledge that these apparent apprehensions have nothing to do with him. Focus on the positives, what he does to make you feel good, what you like about him and why. And for the love, return the favor and give this a fighting chance. Sounds like the dude deserves it. And, believe it or not, so do you.