Now I See Why He Broke Up With Me And I Love Myself For It
Being on the receiving end of a breakup is brutal.
When someone leaves you because of something they don’t like about you, it leads to a ton of “wtf?!”, not to mention heaps of self-criticism.
And why shouldn’t it? We spend so much time trying to build ourselves up that when someone doesn’t like us anymore, we don’t like us anymore, and we’re entirely willing to throw ourselves down a stairwell of despair.
This is exactly what I did 4 years ago.
Almost immediately after I ended a three-and-a-half year relationship in 2011, my father passed away, and I dove headfirst into a new relationship with someone who left me at the bottom of said 'stairwell of despair'.
I knew our relationship wasn’t meant to be, because we were both horrible communicators with too much love for booze, but when he wanted to break up with me I was devastated. I blamed myself for everything. Even though he didn’t come out and say I was too clingy or needy, I subtly felt that was the case, and I hated myself for it.
Why couldn’t I have been more laid back and cool about what we had? Why am I so damn needy all the time?
The self-criticism taunted me for months. All I could think about was that I was getting the bad karma I deserved for ending my previous relationship earlier that year. I tortured myself emotionally and gave up all hope of ever finding anyone new.
Who would want me when I was so needy and hopeless?
Little did I know, it was the relationship with myself that needed cultivating. I needed room to heal from the grief of losing my dad, and I wasn’t finding it because I’d latched onto the first person who gave me attention, instead of investigating my own company.
As the years went by, I learned that being an emotional trainwreck is almost like a pre-requisite for joy.
You have to ram yourself into the ground if you’re ever going to get anywhere in this life, and that’s exactly what I did. I lost someone I loved, I outsourced my happiness, and inside myself was the last place I wanted to look, but that’s exactly when the joy steps in.
Eventually, after all of the blame, self-hatred, and emotional meltdowns were over, I started to realize it all comes down to love.
Once I started looking at the situation from a loving perspective versus a “why the hell did I have to be such a stage 5 clinger” perspective, I began to have incredible compassion for myself, and for that entire period of my life.
I eventually came to see my past as adorably fraught with worry and confusion.
Just because I was navigating the choppy waters of adulthood, and going through a shit ton of emotions, didn’t mean I was any less loveable.
In my eyes, it made me more lovable, because it had given me the opportunity to see myself in a different light, and I found that light adorable, regardless of what anyone thought about it. It's kind of like watching a baby learn to walk. You can't look at them and call them a failure just because they fall down after trying to take their first, second, or even third step.
Give yourself that same love, as you try to find your stance in the world.
What other people don’t love about us gives us room to see the parts of ourselves that deserve our love. It forces us to take a long look at what is truly needed in our lives, and it’s always more love for ourselves.
If you’ve recently been broken up with, fully experience your emotions, and investigate which parts of you need love the most. Don’t invite blame and criticism to the party, because neither are worthy of you.
Learn to love yourself entirely. Other people’s opinions don’t get to dictate how much love we give ourselves, and the past can stay beautifully put.