The 5 Guys You Should Never Date


Because lists are fun.

Easy to spot, necessary to stop: Five male archetypes to avoid like the plague. From manageable to offensively life-changing:

5) The Douchelord. This bro makes Tucker Max look good. You'll identify him by his Pick-Up Artist 101 techniques. Here’s a tip: Any guy who subtly insults you as a way to flirt is to be avoided, to put it nicely. You'll know it when it hits you. He'll say something douchey and for a split second, you'll side-eye him and be like, "Did he just...? Did I hear that right…? Wtf..." And if you think this one’s ever going to take you out for an adult-sized date? Honey, he would but he's just a bit too busy being facedown, ass-up over a keg. Whomp.

4) The Non-Planner. Oh, joy. He hits you up 15 minutes before he's walking out to the beach, bar or clerb, and asks if you want to tag along. If you don’t say yes to his immediate offer, he’ll sub in his next option in two taps of his texting thumbs. Indifference isn’t a good fit for you. Even I am eye rolling him so hard right now. Any dude that can't take the time to fit you into his life and/or give you the consideration of respecting your time clearly doesn’t need to be texted back.

3) The Traveling Musician. I get it with this one. He’s creative, he’s emotive, that guitar makes him inexplicably hot despite his gnarly facial hair. But everything about this man wanders. His mind, his band, his hands and eyes. This one is never a good mating move.

2) The Dreamer. He’s the one who laps up couch space brainstorming without moving his butt anywhere. It’s not that you’re not a nurturing and supportive partner, but you have so much going on in your life that you deserve an equal. Someone who’ll inspire you as much as you can inspire them. With this one, you’ll drain all of your time, energy, and resources on trying stroke his ego. Ya can’t motivate someone who can’t motivate himself. NEXT.

1) The Stringer. This guy is literally the living worst. Because this is the guy that you fall madly in love with. With this man, you will have that insane connection, the kind that reinstates your hope in humanity. He feels it too, the problem is he's emotionally unavailable to you. And he has been from day one. He causally mentioned this, but somehow in that brilliant brain of yours, you didn't listen. Or you thought he would change. Or you assumed that he would understand that this kind of feeling happens somewhere between never and once in a lifetime (if you're lucky!) and he would pull his head out of his ass and commit to you. So you fell in love with him anyway. And he wasn't man enough to stop stringing you along because his ego was just too in love with the attention. And finally, when you were fed up and couldn't not say anything anymore, all he had for you was, "I can't give you what you want." Stay away from this one. When he tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, when he tells you he's still heartbroken from his last relationship, when he tells you he doesn't want to do long distance, or is focusing on his career right now, or just straight up isn’t available to you (sometimes they really are this clear), BOUNCE. No matter how hard it is to walk away, do it. Because if you drag it on, if you allow him to come in and out of your life and take your love to feed his lonely ego, you will get hurt. And it will be debilitating. Curl up in the fetal position, not wanting to leave your house for weeks, fly home to see your mommy (in your mid to late 20s...), downright devastating. And the worst part will be that you will have no one else to blame except you, because you were the one who didn't listen to him when he told you what was up. Ain't that some sh*t.

Phew. The Stringer, man. That dude is a doozy, huh? But hey, men are lovely. We love men. There are a lot of them out there who are wonderful and can give you what you want, just maybe not these guys...

Who else would you add to this list?



RelationshipsJulia3 Comments