This Is Why You Don't Believe In "When You Know, You Know"


It's great to know things, amirite? Like really knowing that a certain outcome will happen, or that you're 100% right. Certainty—it's a helluva drug.

So when people walk around all in love and sh*t proclaiming that they know without a shadow of a doubt that they've found the love of their life, everybody else gets curious. They want to know how you know. And when. And how can you really be certain? Some just flat out don't believe you can ever truly know. And some people thought they knew, but turned out they were wrong.

How is that possible?

I'm in the "when you know, you know" phase. I know for myriad reasons, one of which is that I've not known so many times that when I did know, it was a no-brainer.

Also, me and my intuition are tight. And, I'm pretty stubborn. I don't tend to change my mind about a person once it's been made up. Like, ever.

But I've heard that there comes a time when you will question if it's right, or wondering if this "knowing" was a false sense of security you've constructed for yourself.

This usually happens right around the time the manic love dies off, and cognitive functionalities regain their rightful place in your frontal lobe. When you are faced with deciding what you're willing to live with, live without, and resolve to find from another source—a friend, mother, mentor, gusband. When the pleasantries fade away and he starts to fart openly around you. Or when you happen upon another soul that lights yours on fire.

This, they tell me, is the natural evolution of things. I'm still in the "staring at you makes me weep with joy and awe" phase. I plan to be in this phase for a while.

But to those of you who are ahead of me in this process and are struggling with what the disillusionment means, here's what's going on:

Dating is like the hero's journey.

You start out all excited about your revolutionary idea (your new love interest) and you're charging full steam ahead (boning like rabbits) and everything's great (you're feeling totally in love and want to spend every moment with him), until you run up against a roadblock (he farts for the fist time in front of you; you feel disconnected once; you have a profound connection with another being).

Like the hero(ine), you sink into a period of self doubt and questioning (is my guy really the one I want to be with?) which causes you to rethink your entire approach (do I even really wanna be in a relationship?). You get completely disheartened and consider giving up on your project (breaking up and being celibate for the rest of time).

What went wrong you ask? Nothing. Let me explain.

Take the new connection example, for instance. This new guy? He's probably pretty great.

He's your perfect physical type. He'll go deep with you in ways only your best friend does. He shares your life's purpose. He's impassioned, fun, and makes you laugh. He shows up with a mind open to endless possibilities that he's willing to chase down for the rest of his life. He's successful, and has made a life for himself from what he loves doing. He takes risks.

I get it.

But understand one thing: This is not about him possibly being your one true love and you got it wrong with your current mate. Nope. This is not about him.

It's about you.

He's showing you something that you yearn to bring into your own life, and it's not about what your boyfriend, husband, or long-term live-in isn't providing for you.

This new guy is showing you what you're not providing for yourself.

I'll repeat: He is trying to get you to see what you've been slacking on when it comes to doing and being what and who you really wanna. You are attracted to who he is and what he represents because that is what's missing in your own life. That is who you are dying to be. And somewhere along the way you gave it up.

You took a job that wasn't aligned with your values because the paycheck was good enough and steady. You made an agreement with yourself to play small so as not to upset anyone close to you. You let fear run your life decisions. You went right when you really wanted to go left. You said "No" when your inner most self was crying out "Hells to the YES."

This connection is reminding you of that, and of who and what you gave up. This diversion is prompting you to get back on track.

No one person is perfect. No one guy will be your everything. And you don't have to look to him for all of it (hint: you're a pretty damn good source of fulfillment for yourself). But the one standing beside you, the one about whom "you know?" He's what will sustain and support the person you are as you become the person you're yearning to be. And that's how you "knew" in the first place.