What It’s Like To Love Someone Who Doesn’t Love Himself


You ever had one of those ridic frustrating on-again, off-again relationships? Psfffttt, who am I kidding? Of COURSE you have! Who hasn’t? You know the kind. The attraction is instant and intense. He’s everything you never thought you could have. He’s checking things of your list that you weren’t even sure were possible anymore. He’s sexy on paper and off. And you know, you just know, that you’re perfect for him. You were MADE for him, and he for you.

You get swept up in the fantasy of it all, maybe move across the country for him, allowing yourself to be dragged along on the zig-zag of his physical and emotional journey. I mean, why not? You can’t live without him or the connection you two share.

When you’re on, it. Is. ON. And yet…There’s something missing. There’s just that one last, tiny little piece of him that you can’t really seem to grasp. He’s never really always there, for you or for the relationship. He says one thing, but does another. He’s oh so close, but yet he ultimately always ends up putting himself first. He’s scared. He’s still reeling from decades-old pain. His divorce is still messing with his mind. He always has one foot out the door.

Newsflash: It’s not about you. No, really. Look at you, you’re killing it at life and any man in his right freaking mind would know to snap you up. He knows it, you know it, urrbody knows it. No, it’s definitely not you. It’s him.

Boo, he can’t be there for you, love you, be your rock, care for you unconditionally, because he can’t do it for himself. And there’s nothing—repeat, NOTHING—you can do about it. Nor should you. This is not your problem, not your battle. I know you’re into him (shoot, you may even love him), but you cannot change him. He will learn the hard way. Maybe he will get there (good GAWD almighty, we hope), but guess who doesn’t have time for that? You (and Sweet Brown, obvs).

He will pop back into your life from time to time, no doubt about that. And you will always reserve a piece of yourself for him. It’s cool, baby, it’s cool. But don’t let it run your life.

Wish him the best, send him love, hope that he gets it together but call it a day and move back across the country. Go find yourself a dedicated dude who is 100% about you and to whom you can also give it your all. There are plenty. I’m not kidding, puh-LENTY of them out there. You just have to decide that you love yourself enough to make that choice.