What To Do When a Guy Is Being Totally Effing Confusing


If only it could be so easy, right? Honest communication, no mixed messages (girl, you know how I feel about mixed messages), constant attention. Anything from a guy that would 100% let you know where you stand and what he thinks of you. Ha. Good luck with that, sister. Real talk, though. How many times do we get that and we’re all, meh? It kills the mystery, the chase, the allure, amiright? Yes, we women need that too, so don’t brush it off too quickly.

But the chase also drives us batty. Classic. (I curse you, internal conflict.)

So, what do you do when a guy isn’t playing by the rules (and making this easy on you, because would that be too much to ask?!)? Meaning, the connection is there but he’s taking longer than 3 days to call, the communication is strong but he's not taking the online flirting offline, the exclusivity talk is being cleverly avoided (at a reasonable time to discuss), convos are at a shallow standstill, you haven't met the friends (or the fam) yet, [insert your it's-still-dragging-on issue here].

Before you get all Norman Bates on us, I’m gonna let you know how to reel it in.

You go on about your business.

You remain your cool, calm, collectedly chic self.

You book even more dinners, hit up more spin classes, schedule more dates with your gfs, write that manuscript you’ve been meaning to, RSVP to more events, finally volunteer. You do not lose sight of the awesome life you’ve created for yourself pre-fella.

You trust that if there’s something you need to know, the universe will see to it that you’ll find out.

You surrender to the situation. You let it go. You stop trying to exert control over everything. And, if it’s right and he’s feeling you like you’re feeling yourself, he’ll show up.

And I’ll tell you what you DON’T do. You don’t freak out because he hasn’t called.

You don’t read waaaay too far into his every little behavior to unlock the DaVinci code of his mind (spoiler alert: there is none.)

You don’t forward every. single. one of his texts to all 15 of your closest friends asking them, WTF. (Hint: They mean what they say. Sometimes a “Hi” is just a “Hi,” albeit infuriating.)

You don’t assume the worst and then try to talk yourself out of it (“Eh, I wasn’t that into him anyway?”). This is a defense mechanism, a pre-emptive emotional strike to cut him out so you don’t have to deal with any potential rejection repercussions. (And who are YOU kidding—who WOULDN’T be into that fine piece you found??)

You don’t doubt what you already know to be true about this man (he just wants to bang, or he’s busy and has a life of his own, or he’s looking for a serious relationship—you can tell by his behavior, or that he’s a good guy, or he’s waving a freak flag higher than Mt. Everest… et cetera).

And you DEFINITELY do not stalk him on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Spotify to figure what he’s doing that’s so important that he’s not paying attention to you.

All of this behavior is just a distraction and wasted energy. It’s speculation, and while it may seem fun at first and may happily fill in the hours between 9am and 5pm (be kind to yourself—take a lunch), it just gets to be exhausting. On top of that, it’s not productive. The only thing that matters is what it’s like between the two of you and how you TRULY, truly feel about how the relationship is developing.

You just have to be honest with yourself—if it looks/feels/smells like he’s trying to taper it off, he probably is. If you feel like you’re in the friendzone, you probably are. If (after AN week) he’s #THEONE and you guys are inseparable and it's so effing perfect it feels like your life’s been ripped from The Notebook script… Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Otherwise, it just is what it is. (The most profound words ever written on this site, right?)