15 Thoughts On How To Fix The Dating Sh*tshow Tinder Has Created

photo-1423666639041-f56000c27a9a.jpeg

For those of you who haven't opened an internet browser this week (or are just on the hustle game something hard and haven't had a chance to, you know, eat, sleep or take a shower, much less read a lengthy article about why people are upset about an app they willingly participate in), Vanity Fair showed us all what a total F@CKING disaster dating has become, as emphasized by Tinder. Newsflash: The concept of dating was on an express train to WTF-ville on its own, Tinder just made sure that caboose barreled through any and all stops.

I read this article and my heart broke even more for these women quoted who seem to be buying and settling for the BS. The guys clearly have issues, too. But my focus here is with the ladies. So, here's my oh-so-eloquent feedback to you's:

 

“I sort of play that I could be a boyfriend kind of guy,” in order to win them over, “but then they start wanting me to care more … and I just don’t.” - Marty, a guy 'who prefers Hinge to Tinder (“Hinge is my thing”), is no slouch at “racking up girls,"' and has 'slept with 30 to 40 women in the last year.'

Call it old fashioned, but this is why you wait for monogamy and a real discussion about wtf is going down between you two before you, ya know, go down. It'll save you from this guy.

"I just wanna hang out, be friends, see what happens …” But something about the whole scenario seems to bother him, despite all his mild-mannered bravado. “I think to an extent it is, like, sinister,” he says, “ ‘cause I know that the average girl will think that there’s a chance that she can turn the tables. If I were like, Hey, I just wanna bone, very few people would want to meet up with you …" - Alex, who has slept with 5 different women in the past 8 days.

They lie to stick it in you. When sex is on the table (and it always is), you don't have to believe a GD thing he says.

Also, "being friends" is not code for "one day I'll be your boyfriend." It's code for fucking. Literally ANYTHING other than "I want to be in an exclusive relationship with you" or "I want to be your boyfriend" could be code for fucking. I'm sure you're aware. But in case you still needed clarity.

“It’s like ordering Seamless,” says Dan, the investment banker, referring to the online food-delivery service. “But you’re ordering a person.”

THE FACK? How is anyone ok with this?

"It’s validation of your own attractiveness... You see some pretty girl and you swipe and it’s, like, oh, she thinks you’re attractive too, so it’s really addicting." - Jason, 26

Ya'll need to learn how to self-soothe. Not with wine, not with Netflix, not with social media or swiping. And value internal validation over external (i.e., a swipe right). This is a note for everyone. The world would be a significantly calmer place.

“Do you think this culture is misogynistic?”- Alex (see above)

I don't know if it's misogynistic. What it does do, however, is favor and propagate the nature of male desire. Ours (women) are different, from a biological standpoint. We have a different set of needs. So what are you doing to satisfy and protect and propagate YOUR female desire? If it's purely unattached physical sex, Tinder may be your game. If it's not, how are you mitigating against this mindf*ck? Hint: You do not have to subscribe to this. It's ok to say no. It's ok to be rejected for saying no. It does not make you less-than. Dude can beat it, for all you care, if that's his reaction to you honoring YOUR needs. Peace, brah.

“It’s rare for a woman of our generation to meet a man who treats her like a priority instead of an option,” wrote Erica Gordon on the Gen Y Web site Elite Daily, in 2014.

This won't change until you decide how you want to be treated and then stand for it.

According to David Buss, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin who specializes in the evolution of human sexuality, “When there is a perceived surplus of women, the whole mating system tends to shift towards short-term dating. Marriages become unstable. Divorces increase. Men don’t have to commit, so they pursue a short-term mating strategy. Men are making that shift, and women are forced to go along with it in order to mate at all.”

GLARING load of crap. Yes, that is the cultural dynamic that happens. But since when do we have to be forced to 'go along with it'? This is where we get in trouble for drinking the Kool-Aid. Guess what guys are after? Your vagina. And they'll do pretty much anything to get it. Guess what happens when YOU set the terms of how that vagina gets used? Yup, you got it. Everything shifts and YOU run the pace of dating, mating and everything in between.

“There is no dating. There’s no relationships,” says Amanda, the tall elegant one. “You can have a fling that could last like seven, eight months and you could never actually call someone your ‘boyfriend.’ [Hooking up] is a lot easier. No one gets hurt—well, not on the surface.”

Who told you you weren't allowed to feel all the feels? That that wasn't part of what makes you human and awesome and female and stupid powerful? You gotta put yourself out there in a real, vulnerable way at the risk of getting terribly, terribly hurt if you want to get what you truly want out of life, love included.

“And meet them sober and not when you’re both, like, blackout drunk,” says Jane. “Like, get to know someone before you start something with them. And I know that’s scary.”

Fear-based thinking will f*ck you in the ass and ruin your life. Don't let it lead you to a place where you're letting a dude who makes you feel like sh*t about yourself f*ck you in the ass because of it.

“It’s such a game, and you have to always be doing everything right, and if not, you risk losing whoever you’re hooking up with,” says Fallon

Ughhhhhhhh. Then he wasn't even worth it to being with. DUH. You want UNCONDITIONAL love, not conditional texting.

“And it reaches a point,” says Jane, “where, if you receive a text message” from a guy, “you forward the message to, like, seven different people: ‘What do I say back? Oh my God, he just texted me!’ It becomes a surprise. ‘He texted me!’ Which is really sad.”

Yes, that is really sad. And yet, here we still are on this app...

“It seems like the girls don’t have any control over the situation, and it should not be like that at all,” Fallon says.

I can tell you how you take control of the situation: Get the hell off the app. (Yes, you will still meet someone. I promise. And you will DEFINITELY still get laid.)

“It’s a contest to see who cares less, and guys win a lot at caring less,” Amanda says.

Take notes: Watch me not care and delete this loser from my phone the SECOND he makes me feel small... BYE FELICIA.

He holds up his phone, with its cracked screen, to show a Tinder conversation between him and a young woman who provided her number after he offered a series of emojis, including the ones for pizza and beer. “Now is that the kind of woman I potentially want to marry?” he asks, smiling. “Probably not.”

Is this what you want? Figure it out before spreading it out.

Obviously, all Tinder is doing is allowing people who are predisposed to acting this way to use it to their advantage. So, ladies, if this is not what you're looking for, being on Tinder gives you ample practice at swatting flies. Even without Tinder, you'd be meeting these types of guys. Enough bad swipes and you'll learn how to deal with them appropriately. The Cliff Notes version: Tell 'em to kick rocks.

Hearing story after story about the ill-mannered behavior of young women’s sex partners (“I had sex with a guy and he ignored me as I got dressed and I saw he was back on Tinder”), I wondered if there could be a parallel to Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth (1991). Wolf posited that, as women achieved more social and political power, there was more pressure on them to be “beautiful” as a means of undermining their empowerment. Is it possible that now the potentially de-stabilizing trend women are having to contend with is the lack of respect they encounter from the men with whom they have sex? Could the ready availability of sex provided by dating apps actually be making men respect women less? “Too easy,” “Too easy,” “Too easy,” I heard again and again from young men when asked if there was anything about dating apps they didn’t like.

If there's one takeaway from this article, let it be that.

Also, that the women quoted in this article that are hooking up? Are having bad sex because these dudes don't know wtf to do with their dicks due to never having to try. And that, my friends, may just be the saddest mutha-effing part.

 

 

RelationshipsJuliaComment