What Your Online Dating Profile REALLY Says About You

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Ah, the delicate dance of online dating.

That virtual vortex of potential personal matchmaking where the (manic) stages of offline dating proceed at warp speeds all without getting off your couch and out of your PJs.

Since your romantic life is riding on this, a lot of planning and plotting goes into an online dating profile. Pics and personal deets and funny quips, all perfectly positioned to warrant a coveted message from that casual cutie in your zip code.

That’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself, going after all those winks and likes and views and thumbs up and high fives and whatnot.

The best approach is to give ‘em a sultry snapshot of the highlights.

Because there is such a thing as too much 411. Here are a few surefire profile problems that may be keeping you from flirting with that special someone.

Profile perpetrator: Telling the world the type of man you DON’T want.

What you’re thinking: “I just can’t DEAL with intro emails with poor grammar.”

What it really says: Whoa, bitter breezy alert. I get it, wayward commas are a b*tchbut nobody likes a Negative Nancy. Plus, for your own personal knowledge, the more energy you put into what you DON’T want (i.e., by proclaiming it loud and proud on the interwebz), the more you can be damn sure it will show up in your life. So put a positive spin on it, and focus on what you DO like. This also opens the opportunity for a potential mate to find a common interest among your likes. Double bonus.

Profile perpetrator: Some silly image of you looking cray.

What you’re thinking: “I want him to see my fun side.”

What it really says: Meh. Guys make their date picks based heavily on physical attractiveness. There’s no getting around this fact (and be honest… that sun-kissed, muscle-y, shirtless surfer dude ain’t looking so bad either). So if silly isn’t your best side (and we want you to put your best self forward, obvs), maybe you should avoid these images altogether. A guy doesn’t need to see your fun side. That will come up during the dating process, when you know, you’re actually out having and being fun, so he can experience firsthand just how rad you are.

Profile perpetrator: Mittens makes a cameo appearance. 

What you’re thinking: “I love my cat. Who doesn’t love cats?! The guy I date must understand my love for cats.”

What it really says: You’re cat lady. Don’t be cat lady. Sure, cats are cute and cuddly, but sadly, cats get a bad rep (unless they’re in a video. Oh, please for the love of GAGA tell me you don’t have a cat video on your profile). Specifically, cats as the center of your single life gets a bad rep. Let’s leave Mittens out of this for now. They can meet her once you’ve determined that this guy is something special. You know how jealous Mittens gets anyway.

Profile perpetrator: A pic of you, ass-out in a bikini on a boat.

What you’re thinking: “I look HAWT.”

What it really says: Honey, you do look hot, but please pick a profile pic in which you’re wearing clothes. Do you want a boyfriend or just to get banged? (Hopefully both, but let’s prioritize, mmk?) Sure, social conventions say the Playboy pose will get you attention, and it will, but what kind of attention? And is that really what you’re after? You know what guys think is sexy? Confidence, which he will see once you walk in and floor him on that date you’ve secured with your alluring profile that leaves a little to the imagination.

What other online profile blunders have you seen?